// 1 Desktop notifications are on | Turn off Get breaking news alerts from The Washington Post Turn on desktop notifications? Yes Not now * // * Sections // <#> * // <#> * Home The Washington Post logo Democracy Dies in Darkness <#> * Try 1 month for $1 * Elden Carnahan * Sign In ------------------------------------------------------------------------ o My Post / / o My Reading List / / o Account Settings / / o Newsletters & alerts / / o Gift subscriptions / / o Contact us / / o Help desk / / * Elden Carnahan * Basic Digital subscriber * Sign out * My Post / / * My Reading List / / * Account Settings / / * Newsletters & alerts / / * Gift subscriptions / / * Contact us / / * Help desk / / * Accessibility for screenreader The Washington Post Discussions Style Conversational Week 1244: Taking the Gherkin Challenge Add to list On my list The Style Invitational Empress looks at this week’s winning limericks Gherkins. By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // September 7, 2017 Four weeks ago in this column, I offered this anticipatory warning: “My last word of advice for Week 1240 of The Style Invitational: If you write about a gherkin as related to someone with tiny hands, your limerick would need to be both highly skillful and highly subtle.” Perhaps Nan Reiner used that as a challenge — with aplomb: Her runner-up limerick in this week’s results doesn’t mention any particular president of the United States. In fact, it doesn’t mention any humans; it’s (ostensibly) about a stew, complete with yam, ham and, of course a “limp, insignificant” mini-pickle. Concerns were indeed raised on the copy desk, but I’m relying on almost 14 years of Empressosity to argue that the (extremely few) people who’d complain about tasteless Invite entries are/not/ the people who’d get one like this; it’s particular words they respond to — or, more often, pictures. Scheduled for this weekend, by the way: a “Free for All” letter from a woman complaining that one of the examples for the Week 1242 “then vs. now” contest — “The Kids Are Alright”/ The kids are alt-right — was “reprehensible,” though she doesn’t explain why. Late update: My predecessor, the Czar of The Style Invitational, admits scanning the top winners and not immediately realizing what Nan’s limerick was about. That’s “highly subtle” enough for me! As always, there were lots of fine entries in this 14th annual Limerixicon contest, this year for limericks featuring words beginning gh- or gi-. While even Master Loserbard Brendan Beary had worried out loud that OEDILF.com chief Chris Strolin had chosen too narrow a sliver of the alphabet this year, I received 694 entries, including more fine ones than I could reasonably share even online (I added five entries to those running in the print paper). I also, as always, received many unfine limericks, bedeviled by bad rhyming (pickle/civil/giggle), bad meter, tortured accenting of words (“ca-PIT-alist”), convoluted syntax, illogical wording, wrong information (Bryce Harper didn’t hurt his knee in “mid-inning three,” but in the first, even if it doesn’t rhyme with “knee”); weak Line 5 “punchlines”; and the occasional bitter screediness. But as always, it’s the entries that get ink, not the many that don’t, that determine the success of the contest. In the process, I got to acquaint or reacquaint myself with such terms as ghrelin, “the hunger hormone” whose name is based on an acronym; the ginglymus, or hinge joint (like an elbow or knee); a Gibus, a crushable top hat; a gisarme, a medieval weapon like a poleax; Ghibelline. an aristocrat allied with the German emperor against the pope; and gîte (pronounced zheet), a French home rented by vacationers. (Hmm, none of those ended up getting ink, but several of the lims were lots of fun.) I have a feeling that everyone who sent in a limerick featuring “ghoti” thought that it would be the only one. But I got almost a dozen of them, and it was hard to choose which to use. It’s usually attributed to George Bernard Shaw that “fish” could be spelled “ghoti” if you use the “-gh” of “tough,” the “-o-” of “women” and the “-ti-” of “nation,” but I learned this week that the observation appeared pre-Shaw, in an letter by one William Ollier Jr. (born 1824). And it’s nowhere to be found in Shaw’s writings. First, I rejected any entries that rhymed “ghoti” with “hottie” or “toady” — that’s counter to the whole idea of the spelling. But I did like how this one by Chris Doyle explained the spelling: G.B. Shaw told a wide-eyed young hottie, “Spelling FISH ‘F-I-S-H’ is dotty! Take G-H from ENOUGH, NATION’s ‘T-I,’ and stuff WOMEN’s ‘I’ in between – and it’s GHOTI.” The limerick also had to either say or hint at “fish,” to show what “ghoti” is supposed to be. I remember my second-grade teacher telling about “ghoti” to my class, but we can’t assume everyone’s heard of it. Otherwise, I really liked Elliott Shevin’s humorously spelled limerick, which also noted Ollier rather than Shaw (though again, that would confuse a reader without some clue): William Ollier served up some ghoti, Which he’d brought on a sizzling doti. So proud of his spelling, He found himself kvelling, “By golly, it’s all I could woti!” Craig Dykstra’s entry did all these things superbly, but regrettably rhymed wish/fish/capisce. It’s ca-PEESH: Say G-H like in “tough,” if you wish Then add O like in “women,”capisce? Add T-I like in “motion” Then you’ll see my notion That “ghoti” should be pronounced “fish.” And until I found out that it wasn’t really Shaw, I was pleased with this one from Almost First Offender Brian Krupp: For those phonics fanatics who’d wish For correct English, here is a dish That would stick in their craw, Cooked by George Bernard Shaw, Who spelled one type of seafood as “ghoti.” (Though I’m not sure of the logic of why it would “stick in the craw” of “phonics fanatics”; also, I’d tweak the last line, with its strained “one type of seafood,” to something like “Whose favorite seafood was ghoti.”) But finally I went with this one by Nan Reiner, who makes it clear that “ghoti” is pronounced “fish,” not only by using the giveaway “kettle of ghoti,” but also by putting it at the very end, after the reader encounters “dish” and wish.” And the limerick is about the whole concept of the difficulty of English pronunciation rules. My only quibbles were that “dish” is a bit of a stretch in Line 1, and that Lines 3 and 4 are slightly confusing. But still, a clever, funny and eminently inkworthy entry: Learning English’s a difficult dish. We spell phonemes however we wish. You want regular? Tough. “Nation? Women? Enough! All in all, a fine kettle of ghoti. It’s the third win — and 89th blot of ink — for Ann Martin, who’s currently teaching Latin at a Catholic high school. I was thinking that Ann’s fabulously zingy limerick about Trump’s clueless comments in February — “Frederick Douglass is an example of somebody who’s done an amazing job and is getting recognized more and more, I notice” — was the Invitational’s first commemoration of the event, but I’d forgotten Frank Osen’s haiku: Frederick Douglass is Even greater now than when he was dead. Thanks, Trump! Limericks are famously risque — some people maintain that all limericks /should /be risque — and so it’s not surprising that we have some unprintables this week. See the bottom of this column if you like, but don’t turn around and complain to management. *AMAZON REVIEWS: WILL THE STARS COME OUT?* It’s our third go-round for a contest seeking creative reviews for some of the literally millions of products available on amazon.com. You can Google “funny Amazon reviews” for a feel for what’s become a beloved humor genre; I strongly believe that it is the most important influence Amazon has had on our society. But because of the configuration of our print page in the Arts & Style section, as well as my preference to run a couple dozen shorter items than just a few long ones, don’t write a whole book. For guidance, here are the results of the two previous contests, some of which are in the form of light verse. Results of Week 960 (scroll past the new contest). — thread, salt, emery boards, dishcloths, comb Results of Week 1098 — paper clips, ruler, Pringles, cotton balls, solar dancing turkey. Incidentally, like thesolar dancing turkey, this week’s Poop Emoji Pool Float was a recent Style Invitational second-prize award, this one donated by Jeff Contompasis and won recently by the poolless Kevin Dopart. I’m sure Kevin will be eager for ideas for what to do with a smiling five-foot-long inflatable brown wedge. *DINE WITH SOME LOSERS AND ONE EMPRESS: LOSER BRUNCH, SEPT. 17* I plan to return to the buffet at Brion’s Grille in Fairfax, Va., at noon Sunday, Sept. 17, for — dingdingding — Loser Brunch No. 200. As always, I’m looking forward to meeting new Losers (or just fans of the Invite) as well as reconnecting with the Usual Suspects. Let Elden Carnahan know you’ll be coming; see NRARS.org and click on “Our Social Engorgements.” *Limerisqué: Unprintables from Week 1240* Among them: Your mama likes wearing stilettos When she goes to work in the ghettos Where she works more wood For the boys in the hood Than ever got worked at Geppetto’s. (Jon Gearhart) The white man’s supreme, and that’s it. Don’t agree with me, boy? Well then git! Let those liberals scream. We’re the cream of the cream, And we’ll float to the top - just like…. (Stephen Gold) But the Scarlet Letter goes to Dave Airozo for this one about the Risqué Businessman himself: Scaramucci says Steve Bannon’s gherkin Like the man, is a tool, made for jerkin’ Since the Mooch claimed Steve could Even suck his own wood, Guess he spews more than hate when he’s workin’. Pat Myers Pat Myers is editor and judge of The Style Invitational, The Washington Post's page for clever, edgy humor and wordplay. In the role since December 2003, she has posted and judged more than 700 contests. She also writes the weekly Style Conversational column and runs the Style Invitational Devotees page on Facebook. Follow // Subscriber sign in We noticed you’re blocking ads! Keep supporting great journalism by turning off your ad blocker. Or purchase a subscription for unlimited access to real news you can count on. Try 1 month for $1 Unblock ads Questions about why you are seeing this? Contact us